2019…lets go

It took me a while to draft this piece up. I am still in the process of putting my discombobulated thoughts into cohesive sentences. As 2019 presses on fervently, i find myself trying to live like the awakened ones do; you know, the ones who have their mantras and intentions firmly ensconced in their minds, marching towards certainty. But alas, week 2 into the year and i am flailing like a frightened chicken on the brink of death.

So to hell with it. Rather than follow the crowd (which has its merits sometimes), i will tend to my own garden. I will plant seeds of hope, and watch as they bloom of their own accord. I don’t know what will unfold, but there can be no harm in trying to improve.

While the year beforehand was filled with woe is me mantras and incessant self-loathing, this year will focus mostly on the possibility of dreaming, of growth, of learning, of leaning into the power of positive what ifs. I mean what the hell is the point of life if not living voraciously through the truckload of ups and downs, swings and misses, love and loss meeting us on our journey. It would be an absolute waste to focus solely on the bad times, of which there are and will be many.

common event problems and solutions

So with that wild preamble, I am dubbing this year the year of SOLUTIONS (for me atleast). No more excuses. Excuses never broke ceilings and generated ideas. Excuses never made a way in the valleys. Excuses never paid bills, never put food on the table and made time to self- heal (mentally, emotionally and physically). Excuses are energy drainers, so lets just drop that shit. Only elevation and self -growth this year. So…how we gon do this?



The unwanted friend in the room



HI internets and bloggy world. Its been a while. Gahdamn…I have been missing in action partly because life and feeling uninspired.

And i also acquired a new unwanted “friend”

Over the course of the past couple of months and last year, I have grappled and come to the realization that I have an unwanted friend that seem to have made a home in my being. I never knew her, what she looked like, what she sounded like or what knowing her would feel like. But here I am, housing the lil bitch. We all know that one asshole that refuses to let go, that refuses to take a hint, when you don’t want them around anymore. Yeah well that asshole is Anxiety and what a cruel cursed thing she is.

I honestly, hand on heart don’t know where and when it all began. Perhaps it started from the time I had to swallow my ego and start from the beginning on a journey I did not anticipate or all those times I  look through Facebook and bore witness to how former classmates of mine seem to be thriving and flourishing in their respective fields, or is it the fact that my age stares me right in the face, accusing me, mocking me for my unaccomplished existence or the fact that ramen has slowly become my best friend.

I have cried, screamed, found joy, cried yet again and felt the heat of anger next to me. I have felt numbness and darkness so deep that the melody of dark things played on loop in my mind.  Its been a pain in my ass. Don’t get me wrong, there were and have been days that light seeped through the heavy storm clouds, but it always seemed to linger for a little while. It’s a frustrating and tiresome feeling to feel your chest constrict, to walk around hating what is unfolding before you, all the while listening to the ugly words swirling in your head, seeping into your soul. Comforting words, would sure make a fine pillow, however I am not there yet. So I take it one step at a time, wading in the deep and feeding my days with soft spoken loving words, like balm on my scars, till happiness knows my name.

Today as i trudged through the day like a lifeless zombie, i took great comfort in the sweet nectar of Maya Angelous’ words;

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

To all of us who are trying, lets keep up the good fight. The dark is afraid of us!!

– ©Akz8517



for how long will you strike your home,

feeling as the darkness spill onto this carpet.

You’ve cursed yourself at the behest of this darkness,

 this atrocious thing you insist on carrying,

that you forgot the call of Light you carry

Did it make your being bloom and glow at this insistent strike

Do you not feel its sheer terror at your breathing Light?

Hold on….